Why?

Living On Oxygen for Life

I’m feeling really emotional right now. I get this way when I have a migraine. It’s really strange. While the pressure and pain is so bad in my head and neck, something always breaks through that tough-girl exterior and tears start rolling.

This time is no different. I wanted to distract myself. So I picked up my phone while I’m still lying in bed and scrolled through Twitter. One post caught my eye. A 3-year boy had just died from Pulmonary Hypertension and a hole in his heart.

First, I was so sad for this child. Then, I got mad for this boy and then, I was confused. Here I am at 45 years old. I was born with 2 holes in my heart and with PH as well as some other major complications such as Scoliosis. There wasn’t any PH medication when I was a child. The doctors didn’t send me home with oxygen until I was 17 years old.

This is where I get confused. Why am I still alive and this precious child is not? I know my parents weren’t rich but they always found me the best doctors they could get me to. I’m sure they prayed A LOT over the years especially during surgeries and bouts of pneumonia.

It’s so, so… I don’t even know how to describe it, other than to say it’s almost mysterious how one person’s life connects to another and then to another. It’s almost as if we could be holding each other’s hand in a cosmic way. A chain of events. So, why did I survive when others did not? I’m not vain about it. I’m not more special than anyone else.

I may not see the reason in my lifetime. Perhaps, when I do die the Lord will hold my hand, turn me to look back on Earth and point, saying, “This is why.” I sure hope so. I just have to keep the faith and have a whole lot of patience. Until then, I’ll just keep on blogging.

I know that was pretty deep stuff. I told y’all I get emotional. At least I got that off my chest and now I hope I can start feeling better. I’m so ready to feel better.

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14 thoughts on “Why?

  1. You’re hear because someone needs to hear your story..God doesn’t put more on you than you can bear..So you are stronger than a lot of people even myself..Keeping finding the beauty in each day..it’s there ask God to continue to open your heart and eyes to help it manifest before you. In my experience when you seek God for answers he will give them to you and in many different forms. Please don’t allow yourself to worry about why God does what he does, his ways are not our ways..That 3 year old is at peace now..Keep a bible by you and when you feel like you need inspiration you will find it there. Just ask God to tell you what to read.. I lost everything my house, car, husband and God helped me to see there was a blessing behind that loss. He gave me love and a new perspective on life. You have everything you need to be happy..You are now in my prayers..I don’t pity you I admire you..stay prayerful!!..you inspired me today..

  2. There is no answer to the question “Why me?” except “Why not me?”. The question is not why but what you do with what cards life deals you? You will never know the answer to the question “How many people have I helped?” other than, “More than you know. More than most.” In your post I don’t read about a girl with Pulmonary Hypertension, I read about a life gracefully lived and a kind person who renews my faith in humanity.

  3. you have been a friend and an inspsiration to me. i am having trouble making friends with O2, as badly as I need it. You are a world of inspiration to me. I have migraines, too. My neurologist gave me botox injections and that has helped. So has your lovely smile.

  4. Sometimes I feel like names are just drawn out of a hat. I am in a place where nothing really has any rhyme or reason.

    All that aside-I think you have an amazing spirit, and you have done so much to show other people what your life is how they can learn from your experiences. You turned what most people would consider a lemon into a golden opportunity.

  5. I feel the same way. I recently started following you through Instagram. I was born premature with a hole in my heart. I was on oxygen until about age 4/5. At age 9 I was finally diagnosed with PH and put back on oxygen and PH medications, it has now been 15 years since then. I joined the generation hope for PH on Facebook a couple years ago. Some days it is comforting to speak to others, some days I hate seeing what people write or people die. It’s scares me because I never know what may happen, yet I am so grateful to be here. I am alive and I have always been content with how my life has turned out. Seeing your posts and how old you are makes me less fearful because doctors never knew what my life expectincy would be.

    • Hi, I just tried to look at your blog but it says it’s been removed or deleted? Thank you for following me on Instagram. I’m glad that you are doing well and your health is stable with the PH medicine you are taking. Every birthday I have, I treat it as a gift. I think when we are diagnosed with a disease that has no cure (yet), it’s easy to let ourselves focus on dying. But, the thing is, we are still alive and we should live everyday, the best we can, because we can. I hope you keep in touch and don’t ever give up. *hugs*

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