The Beast Within… (repost)

Living On Oxygen for Life – a repost from 2016 because this is so important to read if you are dealing with anxiety and control issues.

Over the past 10 years or so, this beast inside me has grown and mirrored the decline of my health. It all started with what I thought was constant worrying. You know… when you have to time how much your oxygen will last? Well, that can make you worry about checking your oxygen tank a LOT when you are out having fun. Then I would worry about how long my energy will last while I was out having fun. Can I walk that far in the mall or in the hospital for doctor appointments? Will K get upset if I need to stop to sit down for a few minutes. I know the last one is kind of an irrational worry. Of course K wouldn’t get upset but he did try to push me to walk a little further before stopping which only made me feel like he wasn’t taking my need to stop seriously. My health wasn’t as progressed as it is now. So, pushing me a little bit further was a good thing that K was doing. It’s just when I was tired and felt like I needed a break, no knows how I felt except me.

I turned all this worrying about so many things in my life into trying to control everything around me. I felt like I needed to manage everything so that I had enough energy for things that I had to do around the house and the things that I wanted to do with K. I wanted to know where we were going when we were out of the house, what route we were going, and even how K drove. I needed advanced warning when K wanted us to go out to have fun so that I can be sure to rest up during the day. But all that wasn’t working. Trying to control everything turned into Anxiety because there is no way that I could control everything, be happy and not irritate those around me.

It’s taking a long time to learn to let go of the control issues. K reminds me by saying that he “Gets it.” and “I will always take care of you. I always have your best interest as my priority.” It has helped me a lot with him saying this to me. I have to remind myself of what he said over and over because my memory doesn’t retain information as well as it use to. So, when I get into my vehicle with K, I will remind myself that he has my six. *wink* Giving up the control and learning to trust is a very hard thing to do for me because I feel as if I’m losing more of my independence. However, as long as we have fun in our lives, all will be ok.

5 thoughts on “The Beast Within… (repost)

  1. Christine, I know the feeling of getting tired and resting for things. After I get showered, I need to rest. After I do things around the house (small things like unload dishwasher, clean kitchen and tidy up rooms) I have to rest. My family doesn’t understand sometimes if I tell them — you go out to eat… I am just not up to it today. Things out of my control as they can happen in literally minutes. I just get tired. and being on the oxygen 24/7 doesn’t help. You get tired of tubings, but every day I wake up and am blessed that God gave me a new day to see! take care there in Texas xoxo

    • Margie, it’s seems that we are very alike. Everything you described on how you get things done is just like the way I have to do them too. I can only do the little chores now but I’m thankful that I can still get up and do them even if it is slowly. *hugs*

  2. I would really love to talk to you somehow I’m so unhappy being on oxygen, this has really ended my quality of living. Please get back to me,not sure how I found you but I did,I’m so grateful for your words!

    • Hi Jane, I’m sorry for the delay of getting back with you. I was making my grocery list. It’s finished now. Yay! Can you email me at ? Tell me what’s going on. Ok? I’m here for you if you want to talk. I know how hard it is to adjust to using oxygen. I don’t know what’s going on in your life and health, so emailing would be a big help for us as well as being a bit more private than posting comments on my blog. Your privacy is very important to me. *hugs* Hang in there and try to get back with me. –Christine

    • Jane, you can send me a message to I too am on oxygen 24/7 In fact I am on 8 to 10 liters of oxygen. I have a concentrator and since none of the smaller systems can be used when I go out, I have to lug a huge “e” cylinder tank. It is huge but the only ones that go up to 8 liters of oxygen. I too was very unhappy being on it but I know I have to. I notice when I am not on it. Please hang in there. my prayers are with you.

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