The Beast Within… (repost)

Living On Oxygen for Life – a repost from 2016 because this is so important to read if you are dealing with anxiety and control issues.

Over the past 10 years or so, this beast inside me has grown and mirrored the decline of my health. It all started with what I thought was constant worrying. You know… when you have to time how much your oxygen will last? Well, that can make you worry about checking your oxygen tank a LOT when you are out having fun. Then I would worry about how long my energy will last while I was out having fun. Can I walk that far in the mall or in the hospital for doctor appointments? Will K get upset if I need to stop to sit down for a few minutes. I know the last one is kind of an irrational worry. Of course K wouldn’t get upset but he did try to push me to walk a little further before stopping which only made me feel like he wasn’t taking my need to stop seriously. My health wasn’t as progressed as it is now. So, pushing me a little bit further was a good thing that K was doing. It’s just when I was tired and felt like I needed a break, no knows how I felt except me.

I turned all this worrying about so many things in my life into trying to control everything around me. I felt like I needed to manage everything so that I had enough energy for things that I had to do around the house and the things that I wanted to do with K. I wanted to know where we were going when we were out of the house, what route we were going, and even how K drove. I needed advanced warning when K wanted us to go out to have fun so that I can be sure to rest up during the day. But all that wasn’t working. Trying to control everything turned into Anxiety because there is no way that I could control everything, be happy and not irritate those around me.

It’s taking a long time to learn to let go of the control issues. K reminds me by saying that he “Gets it.” and “I will always take care of you. I always have your best interest as my priority.” It has helped me a lot with him saying this to me. I have to remind myself of what he said over and over because my memory doesn’t retain information as well as it use to. So, when I get into my vehicle with K, I will remind myself that he has my six. *wink* Giving up the control and learning to trust is a very hard thing to do for me because I feel as if I’m losing more of my independence. However, as long as we have fun in our lives, all will be ok.

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The Beast Within…

Living On Oxygen for Life

Over the past 10 years or so, this beast inside me has grown and mirrored the decline of my health. It all started with what I thought was constant worrying. You know… when you have to time how much your oxygen will last? Well, that can make you worry about checking your oxygen tank a LOT when you are out having fun. Then I would worry about how long my energy will last while I was out having fun. Can I walk that far in the mall or in the hospital for doctor appointments? Will K get upset if I need to stop to sit down for a few minutes. I know the last one is kind of an irrational worry. Of course K wouldn’t get upset but he did try to push me to walk a little further before stopping which only made me feel like he wasn’t taking my need to stop seriously. My health wasn’t as progressed as it is now. So, pushing me a little bit further was a good thing that K was doing. It’s just when I was tired and felt like I needed a break, no knows how I felt except me.

I turned all this worrying about so many things in my life into trying to control everything around me. I felt like I needed to manage everything so that I had enough energy for things that I had to do around the house and the things that I wanted to do with K. I wanted to know where we were going when we were out of the house, what route we were going, and even how K drove. I needed advanced warning when K wanted us to go out to have fun so that I can be sure to rest up during the day. But all that wasn’t working. Trying to control everything turned into Anxiety because there is no way that I could control everything, be happy and not irritate those around me.

It’s taking a long time to learn to let go of the control issues. K reminds me by saying that he “Gets it.” and “I will always take care of you. I always have your best interest as my priority.” It has helped me a lot with him saying this to me. I have to remind myself of what he said over and over because my memory doesn’t retain information as well as it use to. So, when I get into my vehicle with K, I will remind myself that he has my six. *wink* Giving up the control and learning to trust is a very hard thing to do for me because I feel as if I’m losing more of my independence. However, as long as we have fun in our lives, all will be ok.

Anxiety – part two

Living On Oxygen for Life

By now I hope you have read my previous post “Anxiety – part one” and have thought about the question, “What am I afraid of?” What the previous post, “Anxiety – part one,” covers is the issue I have with bedtime anxiety of wondering if I was going to stop breathing while I slept. I have problems with anxiety in other areas of my life and some of them are related to my breathing problems.

For me, I’ve realized that the anxiety I have experienced has created “Control Issues” for me. I try hard to control everything around me so that I won’t become too tired and that I wouldn’t miss out of having fun. I’m just now starting to realize that maybe by me trying so hard to control everything, I may be expending more energy controlling things than if I would just try to relax and enjoy life around me. But, I understand that life can be a little scary when you have breathing problems. You feel like you are losing some of your independence and you desperately try to hold onto whatever independence you have left. What you may not realize is that by adjusting the way you do the things that you like to do and by relaxing a bit, you can still have a boat load of fun.

When I first started to have bedtime anxiety, it plumb freaked me out. I would turn to my husband and tell him I was scared and something was wrong. He would tuck me back in bed (we don’t always go to bed at the same time) and then he would lie down beside me and hold my hand or blow on my face while encouraging me to relax. I’d ask him to stay until I fell asleep and he would. Now, I’m sure you are wondering, “He blew on her face???” I can’t describe it but it really is a relaxing feeling for me. So much so, that I now sleep with a little 12″ x 12″ box fan on my dresser pointing right at my face from about 3 feet away. It’s used every night, 365 days a year. It helps take away the feeling of being claustrophobic while using my bipap. This is one of my solutions that has helped me with bedtime anxiety.

Another thing that I do to combat bedtime anxiety is to close my eyes, pray that I will be ok and wake up in the morning and then I just let go internally. I think of something that I’ve done that made me happy. It could be my favorite vacation that I went on with my husband or something silly that my puppy did that day. That internal visual is what I focus on and I slowly relax. You could probably call that a bit of meditation. Although, there have been times where I needed extra backup help. So, I’d walk up to my husband and say: “I don’t feel well. My heart’s skipping because I’m too tired. Please check on me a couple of times throughout the night.” He knows when I say something like that, it’s time for him to step in and help. Just this reassurance of knowing he’s quietly checking on me, helps so much that I can fall asleep and it nips the anxiety in the butt.

If you have problems with anxiety, ask yourself “What am I afraid of?” Don’t let the anxieties turn into control issues. Talk with your doctor and discover ways that can help you feel more at peace internally so that you may enjoy your life.